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Please keep in mind that all the thoughts expressed about my journey are both in the past and are my own. This post is NOT meant to pass judgement on anyone on their own very personal journey.
Let’s start with some positivity, shall we? I went from blacking out on a regular basis (at least once a week or more in college and then twice a month as a 20-something) to drinking ONE drink ON OCASSION currently. I NEVER thought that I would be able to have ONE and then stop. But it takes mindfulness, educating myself regularly and YEARS of wanting this and understanding my drinking and how I cope with emotions such as boredom, stress and a desire to “fit it.”
The Beginning...
Let’s go back in time…I was introduced to using and abusing by my lovely verbally abusive ex-boyfriend. One day, after so much suffering, I realized I couldn’t live that way anymore and needed to be free! So, family bravely helped me move out from under his thumb and into the world. After I found my delicious freedom, I began to abuse my body via drinking alcohol. But this, in my mind, was OK! Because I was arduously earning my degree (bachelor’s then my master’s degrees) and exercising and bouncing back from these frequent blackouts within hours. :::Sigh::: To be 20-something. Drinking served several purposes for me. I hadn’t developed a health way of coping with negative feelings and hadn’t learned to accept them as they were. Harmless feelings and emotions that I could allow to come and go. When I felt stressed- I’d drink! I had the same way of dealing with boredom (being by myself or just hanging out with my, now, sweet and loving husband) and socializing with new people. Let’s pause and reflect. When I say “fix” boredom, I mean I would drink and almost ANY activity (being alone or strolling at the park) seemingly became enhanced by alcohol. It was so much more fun and relaxing to enjoy an activity with alcohol, right? That’s how I felt then. When I say fix stress, I feel anyone that drinks may relate to this statement. When we’re stressed, we drink, and then the “edge” is taken off and it seems as though alcohol has allowed us a reprieve from the thoughts that are haranguing us and pumping up our blood pressure. And finally, when I say I found relief during social gatherings after drinking I really mean that any feelings of anxiety about being witty or funny during a party or gathering went away with alcohol intake. I’ll revisit the idea that alcohol is a remedy for these unwanted, but completely human, feelings.
And Then Motherhood...
I got pregnant and didn’t drink a drop during both pregnancies. I didn’t even have caffeine. Yes, I’m one of those people! Ha! There were times during my pregnancy I’d wished I could have had a glass of wine but since I was a vessel for a precious sweetling I didn’t touch it. Too many nerves about the potential consequences. I had two sweet babies 18 months apart and then I wasn’t a vessel anymore. I was a stay-at-home mom that was STRESSED OUT. I slowly crept back up to almost a bottle of wine Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I would recover my deep sleep (alcohol negatively affects your sleep) and my energy Monday through Thursday and then go right back to depleting my precious resources again by drinking this poison (speaking of poison, did you know alcohol is the SAME THING that we use to fuel our cars?)
The Solution!
The solution: I requested Naltrexone from my doctor just as my mom had requested Antabuse from her doctor to help her with her uncontrollable urges to drink alcohol. I’m NOT saying this is what you should do. Please remember, this is my journey. I took the one pill for only 2 consecutive days and didn’t need to or want to take anymore after that. So I didn’t. t I quit for 5 solid weeks and, in that time, read as many sobriety books as possible. I’ll mention some of my favorites at the end of this post! I also learned about acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). A very easy and fantastic book to read about ACT is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It changed the way I deal with my emotions.
And we’re back to where we started. After those first two days of Naltrexone (and only two days) I read books, talked about sobriety, started a board on Pinterest about sobriety, started to read about neurology and addiction (another great read is The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction Isn’t a Disease by Dr. Marc Lewis) and changed my relationship with alcohol. I’ve come to feel that alcohol is a poison. A socially PUSHED UPON YOU drug and poison. If we don’t drink this poison, we have a special label: Sober. We may lose friends or people we thought we were close to may begin to feel uncomfortable around us. Aren’t the things I’m saying bizarre?! I mean we aren’t labeled sober if we don’t do crack, am I right? No one asks us why the hell we don’t “do crack” anymore! But people easily ask us why we don’t drink anymore. And we’re expected to answer! Because it’s that “weird” that we opt out of drinking.
How I Relate to Alcohol Now
So now that I accept and KNOW that alcohol is a poison and now that I’ve read up on ALL of the EXTENSIVE damage it does to the human body, I treat that ONE drink very differently. That one drink, to me, is extreme. It’s me saying yes to a poison. I only drink during a social occasion and ONLY when I’ve told myself beforehand that I’ll allow one drink. I enjoy taking weeks off from drinking and, yes, I do still “surf” urges to drink meaning I feel the urges and don’t allow them to control me and I let them come and go. Drinking to temporarily escape boredom or social awkwardness, or stress is only harmful. To learn skills to allow for all those unwanted feelings to come and go is such a healthy endeavor. I’m still working on it and I’m much happier and healthier now! I have more energy (and I need ALL of the energy I can get because my two littles ones need me to be active!), I sleep deeply, I don’t experience anger and resentment on a regular basis, I NEVER have hangovers, my thoughts are sharp, my workouts and healthy eating actually make a difference and I feel inspired on a regular basis. Drinking ONE on occasion is my happy place.
I hope sharing my story helped at least one person! With this story, I hope you know that you’re not alone and that, through learning and perseverance, you can change your relationship with alcohol!
Here are some sobriety books I HIGHLY recommend!
- The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, By Catherine Gray
- How to Be a Mindful Drinker, By Laura Willoughby and Jussi Tolvi
- Quit Like a Woman, By Holly Whitaker
- This Naked Mind, By Annie Grace
- We Are The Luckiest, By Laura McKowen
Kristi
Written by Kristi, April 20th, 2023
This is such a powerful insight! Some people go a lifetime not accepting what a thief alcohol is. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps your followers see what happens when we are confronted with social pressures to drink to have “fun” or “relax” or whatever excuse is.