This post may contain affiliate links to products I’ve tried and love. Please go to my terms and conditions page for more information.
Why is Mothering Littles so Challenging?!
As of the writing of this blog post I’m the mother of a 2.5-year-old boy (aka caveman) and a 4 year-old girl (aka an emotional princess). I was in the 2 under 2 club and, even though they aren’t 2 anymore they are still basically “tots” together. They play and they FIGHT. They love each other fiercely and I love them fiercely, but WOWEE has my mental and physical health been challenged by being a mother of these tots.
There are many reasons for this. Let me start this post off with an educational twist:
- Did you know mom-brain is real and can be seen in brain scans of new mothers?
- Did you know that our basic needs as humans are consistently being threatened by being a mom?!
- Did you know that immediately after not being pregnant anymore and not breastfeeding anymore your hormones change drastically? Just as drastically as when we became pregnant.
- Did you know that your sleep being interrupted by kiddos waking up in the night can hinder not only your health but your ability to concentrate, practice patience and problem solve? Actions that are a must when you’re a mother.
- Lastly, according to my own personal data, I counted 300 demands that took place between me and my little ones in one day at home together?! 300 people!!! That’s insane!
I’m going to briefly expand on all these facts and then offer some solutions at the end of the post.
Let’s dig in!
Research Behind "Mommy- Brain"
Ok. So, Mom-brain. IT IS REAL. It is frustrating and discouraging and it makes us feel like we’ve literally lost our minds. But, according to studies that involve brain imaging, the brains of mothers have literally changed when pregnant and even after pregnancy (read more here).
From what I’ve read, the brain of a mother is now geared towards the survival of their baby and, as a result, we are left with our brain less “concerned with” recalling memories or words. As a mom, have you ever put the milk into the pantry, forgotten why you went to the fridge, or had to describe everything about a cup to another person because you couldn’t remember the word cup? That’s mom-brain! And it can be SEEN on brain scan images so DON’T feel inadequate or lesser than when you can’t remember things! We are now simply experts on the survival of a precious new life and what a gift that is!
Solution? I’ll share mine! As soon as I think of something that I need to do later I IMMEDIATELY put it into my phone calendar. I remind myself to bring diapers to my son’s preschool and I remind myself to take out the recycling ALL on my phone. When it comes to word recall, I close my eyes and pause and then, typically, someone in my family (sometimes my 4 year old) helps me out with remembering the word! I don’t care anymore haha I think we get less sensitive as we march through motherhood😊
Our Basic Human Needs
Let’s talk about our basic needs being put aside (a nice way to put it) while we are acting as mothers. I’m going to use Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to highlight what our most basic needs are. Dr. Maslow (an American psychologist from the early 1900s) hypothesized that humans have a pyramid of needs. At the bottom of the pyramid are the most basic needs and I realized that how most basic needs can sometimes NOT be met while we are being mothers. That is NOT the fault of our sweet little ones BUT I wanted to point out why we sometimes feel so depleted. As we carry out the loving duties that come with being a mother these are the following things that start to become threatened:
Our Own Needs Put Aside by Motherhood & Solutions
- Water and food: have your bottled water or snack ever been hijacked by your tot?
- Sleep: need I say more?
- Clothing: Ever been pooped on, thrown up on, peed on and been without an extra shirt?
- Personal security: have you ever been head butted, elbowed, scratch, hit, bit either on accident or on purpose?
- Resources: I never cease to be shocked at how often our food runs out EVEN THOUGH I just went to the grocery store!
- Property: We all know our personal property is no longer our own when kiddos come into the house ha!
- Health: Has your little angel ever given you a lovely stomach flu? A cold?
- Respect: How often are you yelled at to “GET ME SOME WATER!”
- Self-Esteem: Our sweet little ones are honest… sometime their truth or “how tired we look” can be a little harsh.
- Recognition: Can I get a thank you from someone in this house?!
- Strength: Stroller folding, car seat lifting, squatting, pushing, pushing, and hauling have ALL made me feel weak at one time or another when out and about with my little ones
- Freedom: You cannot help but notice the STARK contrast between a trip to Target BEFORE kids and a trip Target after kids! Or the freedom of having a moment on the toilet all by yourself vs with kiddos to accompany you!
I say all of this to point out WHY we might be feeling a little out of our minds sometimes as moms! You’re not alone!
Solution? MAKE TIME FOR YOU! If this means you have to delegate and let go of control then DO IT. If this means you must watch the laundry pile grow, then DO IT. If this means you must get in your car to go sit in a parking lot to read a damn book alone then DO IT. The world WILL GO ON without you for that one hour, four hours, or overnight trip that you take for yourself. I promise.
Hormones: So Many Changes
Let’s talk about our hormones, shall we?
After giving birth some, our hormones go from the highest levels that they can reach to the lowest level that they can reach in the very short time that is delivery and immediately after giving birth (this extreme dip in hormones can last up to one week or so after birth). This dip can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, irritability, mood swings…sound familiar? Read more here. Did you breastfeed? If so, the hormones are not over! While breastfeeding, oxytocin (the connection hormone) is regularly released which leads to all mothering behaviors. Mothering behaviors = spotting danger in your child’s environment which leads to :::drum roll::: anxiety! I’m not done! After breastfeeding, there’s a drastic drop in oxytocin leaving you feeling like an oxytocin addict in remission. You may feel confused at your sadness. Mood swings galore! Read more here.
Solution? Practice self-compassion with yourself (read more on how to practice self-compassion in this post)! Read about the science behind these changes. Practice breathing during acutely stressful or frustrating moments. I’ll say it again, MAKE TIME TO BE ALONE even if for 30 minutes. Thirty minutes in the bathroom, showering and grooming yourself in the quiet with no little hands or mouths to demand anything can make or break a day! So, if you want to have patience and energy built back up in your mommy toolkit TAKE TIME FOR YOU!
Mothering= Not Enough Sleep
Sleep helps you to store memories, problem solve, concentrate, maintain a healthy appetite (this prevents overeating), keep a stable mood (sleep affects hormone levels), and it gives you energy. I’m going to stop here because I can’t have this post ONLY be about sleep. If you want to read a fantastic book on sleep then Why We Sleep, by Dr. Matthew Walker is a really good one. He’s eloquent and makes it an easy read. ALL of the things I listed are critical to being a “with it” mother but, on the other hand, being sleep deprived is a part of being a mother.
So let’s talk about some solutions (some of these solutions are not feasible depending on if you have a partner or if you’ve sleep trained or the age of your little one).
- Have you considered the wide variety of forms of sleep training? “Crying it out” doesn’t have to be the form you choose if you feel it’s harsh. Do some research! Disclaimer: Sleep training is not for everyone! But I do credit it for the very sound sleep that I get each night.
- Delegate some wake ups to your partner.
- Agree to “sleep” in days for you and your partner.
- Wear ear plugs! I do this now NOT because of my little ones waking up but because, as a mother, I now wake up at the sound of almost ANYTHING. Including my husband snoring a bit😉
- Don’t listen to the monitor.
- Finally, follow this sleep hygiene checklist from Harvard University to see if you’re adhering to proper sleep hygiene.
Decisions Decisions & Demands
I recently read, in several very good books, and this reliable online resource, that making decisions uses up our brain energy. Eventually, after making many decisions throughout the day, our brain has much less ability to make decisions. I’m opening with this statement because mothers must make, I’m going to guess, 100+ decisions a day. I’m sure it’s such a high number that my clicker (a data taking mechanism) and I wouldn’t be able to keep up. Not only decisions regarding her children but decisions involving her own personal care, work (if you’re a working mama), the family’s schedule, and the family’s overall basic needs. Like I said above, when I took data on two things: how many times my kiddos ask me to do something and how many times I asked my kiddos to do something I counted 300! The reason I counted my demands upon my children was because If I tell them to do something and they don’t, you’d better believe I then must follow through and HAVING to follow through is a demand of mine. In summary, at the end of the day we are TIRED. Demands made of us in the hundreds and decisions we have to make also in the hundreds = completely depleted energy.
So, what is the solution?
- I can’t say it enough. ALONE TIME. In ANY capacity.
- Telling your kiddos you need a 5 minute break and then setting a timer. During the time, if they ask something of you tell them “I’m unavailable” and do not engage (if you can…sometimes you can’t do this)
- Plan THE DAY BEFORE if you can. Meals, times that you’ll get alone, times that you’ll allow the kiddos to have electronics so you can be alone a bit.
- If you’re at a boiling point, which I have been MANY times, tell the kids that you’re unavailable until you feel you can respond in a healthy way.
- Tell your partner that they can make decisions A-F and you’ll decide G-K. In other words, delegate or at least let me know that you will NOT be making decisions A-F so they can make those decisions, or it won’t get done😉
Mothering Is Hard, M'kay?
I hope this post made you feel like you’re not alone and that there are some solutions that may help mothering littles a little bit less of a bumpy ride. Motherhood is CHALLENGING. But, maybe just maybe, we can feel better equipped to handle these challenges if we take damn good care of ourselves so that we can then take care of our littles.
Out of all of these challenges, which one most resonates with you? Which solution do you feel you can implement to help make your life a little easier?