Do you ever pay close attention to how you talk to yourself? I bet if you did, and you said it loud it would sound harsher to your ears than it does in your mind. It’s easy to confuse self-critical thoughts with personal feedback if you’re not acknowledging them for what they really are: harsh and judgmental criticism. We can be downright mean to ourselves after we’ve made an innocent mistake or after something tough to deal with has happened to us.
I’ve created a little list of things that I might say to myself, and you might also say to yourself:
Seriously?
How does this translate?
Criticism of making an innocent mistake.
Wow!
How does this translate?
Shock at the fact that you’re capable of making an innocent mistake.
Great job genius!
How does this translate?
Insulting your intelligence.
How am I always managing to______!?
How does this translate?
Criticism of making the same mistake over and over.
We also label or judge ourselves as “not a healthy person” or “not tech savvy” or even “ditzy.” These labels are harmful and limiting!
These are just SOME common ways that we are not kind to ourselves and it’s very sneaky. Like a little bully that lives in our mind and needs to be put in its place.
Now let’s flip this way of talking and thinking about ourselves on its head and imagine that we’re talking like this to a loved one or a child. We would never freely spew such criticism to a little one or our dear friends! Why?
Because we know that talking like this to another person, especially a small child, could really hurt their feelings and damage their beliefs about themselves and their abilities.
So why do we allow ourselves to talk to ourselves like this?
It could stem from several things if we really want to investigate the cause. Did a caregiver or parent talk to you like this? Or did you see a caregiver or parent talk to themselves like this?
Regardless of the cause, it’s important to recognize it and change it. Changing the way you talk to yourself and how you react to your mistakes is considered practicing self-compassion. It’s also considered practicing self-compassion to acknowledge your own struggles for what they are and to act as a comforting resource to yourself.
In addition to talking about how to practice self-compassion, I’m also going to talk about how you should practice giving yourself some praise without feeling boastful or conceited.
Again, think about small children. When they accomplish something and they have a big smile on their face, would you withhold praise and recognition because you’re afraid they would turn into a boastful and conceited adult? No. Praise and recognition is, bare minimum, what people deserve when they work hard and accomplish a goal.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Let’s start treating ourselves right and transform our mental health in the process!
According to, in my opinion, the top expert in the field of self-compassion, Kristen Neff, there are 3 critical components of self-compassion:
- Self-Kindness– recognizing that we all feel a range of negative emotions and practicing self-kindness is showing yourself understanding and forgiveness instead of judgement and anger.
- A sense of common humanity– recognizing that you’re not alone in your experience (as we ALL experience negative emotions) makes it easier to accept these unpleasant feelings.
- Mindfulness– practicing an openness to experiencing the full range of human emotions allows for you to accept them and to stop avoiding, exaggerating, or ruminating on them. Being mindful helps you to practice observing these emotions without judgement.
If you’re interested, I read her book Self-Compassion and it really helped me to start treating myself with kindness and to provide myself with some comfort and understanding.
Let's Practice...
We’ll start with a scenario in which we can practice self-kindness. I’ll provide a non-example of self-kindness and then an example of self-kindness.
Let’s imagine you’ve had a rough day at work. There was a project that you were the lead for and you made some innocent but noticeable mistakes. You misunderstood some of the instructions given to you by your supervisor and you misread the deadline and you had to beg for an extension.
Let’s stop and think about how you might be feeling due to these mistakes.
You might be feeling stupid and careless and embarrassed.
These are TOUGH feelings to feel. It’s not helpful to label yourself stupid and careless and to be judgmental towards yourself for making these mistakes.
Answer this question for me: What GOOD can come of you labeling yourself stupid and careless? You can’t answer it because no GOOD is going to come from behaving this way towards yourself.
INSTEAD:
You can recognize that these are tough feelings to feel and that you’re embarrassed. You can evaluate HOW the mistake happened and LEARN from this mistake so that it doesn’t happen in the future. And then move forward. More on how to evaluate (be mindful) of your struggles later in this post.
A Sense of Common Humanity
With this same scenario we’re going to look at recognizing a sense of common humanity.
When we recognize that we’re not alone, it helps to ease the desperation we might feel when struggling through a problem we’re facing. We understand that everyone feels embarrassment, shame, and less than. When we understand that everyone feels this way it helps us to feel supported as a human amongst humans. We can then accept our feelings for what they are; human emotions plain and simple.
So in this same scenario you would recognize that you are NOT the only employee that’s EVER made these mistakes. There are employees that have made the same mistakes and much worse and they have felt these same emotions too. People before you and after you have and will feel these emotions and make these same mistakes. Take comfort in this and accept your experience as something we ALL go through in one form or another.
Mindfulness
Lastly, let’s talk about how to practice mindfulness in this scenario.
Practicing mindfulness in this scenario would be to simply recognize the sequence of events, how it made you feel, and accepting each emotion that resulted from the experience for what they are. Nothing more and nothing less. No judgement, harsh criticism, or rejection of emotions.
Whether we want to or not, we WILL feel unpleasant emotions JUST LIKE we will inevitably feel pleasant emotions. We are NOT in control of whether we feel them or not. We can reject them or avoid them BUT these are temporary and often harmful “solutions.” It’s a much smoother ride to watch the emotions come and go without judgement. I once read about a way to think of all emotions that pass through our minds.
You run a bed and breakfast and ALL human emotions are house guests. Some house guests are NOT wanted but you can’t reject them or avoid them. They have a guaranteed spot at your bed and breakfast😊 So you act as a nonjudgement host and accept that these unwanted house guests will come and go. This is also true of human emotions. These emotions will come and go. Simple as that.
A Side Note on Making Mistakes
One last thing about mistakes. Treat it like a business deal. What happened? How can it be different next time? Learn a lesson and try to stay positive. Mistakes are, after all, opportunities to learn! A fantastic book that will deliver this message the entirety of the text is call, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, by Adam Grant. Such a cool view on how to be a lifelong learner and how to approach making mistakes.
Praise Yo'Self!
Finally, let’s pat ourselves on the back sometimes people! Are you someone that accomplishes a goal and then immediately looks to the next goal without pausing to praise yourself? I know I am! Praising yourself out loud RIGHT after an action step (that leads to a larger goal accomplishment) is completed should be praise PROTOCOL! Be your own cheerleader and say out loud “I’m so proud of myself!” We work so hard, and we struggle and make changes that aren’t easy so that we can accomplish our goals. CELEBRATE it with verbal praise. Do this every damn time! You deserve this self- recognition my friends😊
Disclaimer: This will not lead to you being a braggart!
I sure hope this post was an eye-opener. We should all practice self-compassion. We bare-minimum deserve that!
After reading this post, what are some common phrases that you’ll stop using to talk to yourself? How will you start practicing self-compassion?