What is Acceptance & Commitment Therapy?
I’ve written some posts talking about acceptance & commitment therapy (ACT), but I haven’t written a post on exactly what acceptance & commitment therapy is. In my opinion, it’s a way of handling your thoughts that equals peace. When you apply ACT in your daily life there is no more struggling. When I say that I don’t mean that there will be no more unwanted thoughts, feelings, emotions and/or memories. I mean you’ll stop fighting them and letting them control your behavior.
In this post I’ll define the foundation of ACT: its 6 principles. I’ll give examples of how to use them and what ACT’s overarching goal is. In the end I think you might love ACT just as much as I do and can hopefully apply it to your day-to-day life!
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The Goal of ACT
In ACT the goal is to be psychologically flexible. Being psychologically flexible means to stay connected to the present moment and to choose behaviors that align with your values regardless of unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
According to ACT, our thoughts are just that. Words that show up in your “mind.” Even though these thoughts are just words, we allow them to control our behavior even if that behavior goes against what we “value.” When I say “value” I mean something that we say is important to us like being healthy or being industrious (hard working or attempting to climb that corporate ladder). Check out this list of values created by Russ Harris here. If you’re interesting in reading a wonderful book he wrote about ACT for a wide range of audiences then check it here!
First: Identify Your Values
Identifying your values is important as is allows you to identify behaviors that align with your chosen values. I’ll use one of my values as an example. I value being “caring” towards my children.
I have two littles (as of this writing they’re 3 and 4.5) and it’s a roller coaster to say the least! One of my main values is to be caring towards them. While that sounds easy, feelings of frustration and discouragement and self-pity can threaten to get in the way of my caring behaviors. When they don’t listen to me I feel frustrated, when the 100th mess of the day is laid out I feel discouraged and when I’m tired to the bone and about to cry from parenting I feel self-pity. None of these thoughts and feelings are helpful to me. So, I employ some of the 6 principles of ACT (sometimes successfully and sometimes not).
The 6 Principles of ACT
The 6 Principles of Act
- Defusion
- Expansion
- Connection or Mindfulness
- The observing self
- Values
- Committed Action
The 6 Principles in Action
Defusion
In the face of the following thoughts and feelings I just listed I don’t allow myself to “fuse” with the thoughts (defusion). I am not frustrated or discouraged or pitiful. I notice that I’m feeling these feelings, but I am NOT my feelings.
Expansion
In ACT it is acknowledged that negative thoughts, feelings, and memories are inevitable so we shouldn’t fight them, reject them or struggle with them. Struggling with these thoughts may take the form of drinking alcohol to forget or getting down on yourself for feeling unwanted feelings/emotions or being so distracted with your unwanted feelings that you don’t enjoy your entire day! So, when we make room for these unwanted feelings/thoughts we are engaging in “expansion.” We allow them into our mind and accept them for what they are. Inevitable human emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Nothing more and nothing less. As a parent I will INEVITABLEY feel frustration. Making room for this emotion and accepting it for what it is will bring me peace versus struggling with this emotion.
Connection or Mindfulness
In ACT, it’s recommended to bring awareness to the here and now when you’re feeling unwanted feelings or emotions. Pay attention to what your mind is “telling you.” It’s recommended so that thoughts don’t willy-nilly lead to behaviors that don’t align with your values. Being mindful of your thoughts leads to you being able to engage in defusion and expansion. So instead of letting frustration cause me to yell at my kiddos I first try to connect with what’s going on so I can choose a behavior that aligns with my value of being caring.
The Observing Self
Taking the position of the observing self puts you in a position to safely make observations of the thoughts (countless thoughts all at once!) speeding through your mind. When you put yourself in this position you can rely on a constant calm in your mind and watch the thoughts behave like weather. Some thoughts are stormy, some are clear and helpful, and some come in the form of a tornado! Your observing self will never change though and that’s a very safe position to be in! As parent I watch my thoughts and emotions zoom past and I feel safe, as my observing self, knowing they are temporary, ever-changing and can’t MAKE me behavior in any certain way.
Values
If we identify values, we can simultaneously identify behaviors that align with those values. Let’s take my “being caring” value for example. If I let my feelings of self-pity, discouragement and frustration control my behaviors then I might yell at my kids, give up on cleaning and pout to the point of not playing with my babies. Instead, I acknowledge these emotions. I make room for them. Take a breath and connect with the moment. Then I re-approach and engage in behaviors that align with being caring. Giving a hug. Talking as calmly as I can manage while frustrated or tell the kiddos as calmly as possible that I need to take a break to breathe deeply and give myself a pep talk. Identifying values gives you a chance to choose behaviors that you’d LIKE TO engage in so that you can live by those values.
Committed Action
My favorite! The behaviors that we engage in (actions) should align with our chosen values! We value being healthy? We’ll go to the gym instead of letting fear of being seen in gym clothes get in the way of going. We value being industrious? We’ll post something on Instagram to market ourselves instead of letting insecurities get in the way of posting. It’s called committed action because you do have to commit to your values to engage in these behaviors regardless of unhelpful thoughts, feelings or emotions that might threaten to get in the way. Regardless of all of the unpredictable and intense emotions that come with being a parent, I’m committing to showing love, modeling self-regulation and being caring.
In conclusion...
I hope you view these 6 principles for what they are: guidelines that support psychological flexibility and acceptance towards the countless thoughts, emotions and feelings always flowing through your mind.
Will you adhere to these principles 100% of the time? I don’t! I TRY! I still raise my voice with my kiddos out of frustration, detach due to discouragement and self-pity and let the guilt that comes with being a parent distract me from loving on my kiddos.
These 6 principles are simply ways to have a healthy relationship with all the thoughts, emotions and feelings that zoom through your mind uncontrollably. The principles help you to live by your values and give you back some control. A life living according to what’s most important to you is a life fulfilled!
Look for more posts (soon to pop up in my blog) on ACT and all the tools that ACT therapists utilize. I just know that ACT can be as helpful to you, reader, as it has been to me!
Do you feel like any of these principles can be helpful for you? Which one specifically? All of them? Feel free to leave feedback in the comments section!
Until next time,
Kristi
Written by Kristi August 10th, 2023
Check out this post on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) & Motherhood
This would take some practice. And being self aware. Maybe having it being brought to your attention. I’m going to order this book. It would be nice to have the skills to give yourself a break and reset. Thanks again, Kristi! I can’t wait for your next post! I look forward to Thursdays 😊