How Can Perfectionism be Bad?
I don’t know about you but when I used to tell people that “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” I used to think I was saying something good about my personality. I thought that perfectionism was something to aim for.
But after reading Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown and Acceptance and Commitment Skills for Perfectionism and High Achieving Behaviors by Patricia E. Zurita Ona, I realize that perfectionism can be a form of self-destructive behavior. Are you shocked? I was! You might ask “How is perfectionism self-destructive?!” Well, that’s what I want to get into in this post.
I want to talk about how perfectionism can lead to critical and judgmental self-talk and can lead to inevitable disappointment and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Is perfectionism sounding a little more sinister now? Well, if it is there is no need to worry about being a natural perfectionist! There are ways to manage your perfectionism to where it can work for you.
What is Perfectionism?
What exactly is perfectionism? I’m going to introduce two definitions. According to Google, perfectionism is “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection” and according to Wikipedia perfectionism is “…a broad personality trait characterized by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns with others’ evaluations.”
Now according to these two definitions a person with perfectionistic tendencies struggles. That’s not a positive feeling to live with. To always struggle. A perfectionist struggles with the inevitable IMPERFECTIONS and things that we cannot control that bulldoze into our lives without our consent. Life is messy and, no matter how much we try to plan or control all the things that go into our daily lives, something WILL NOT go the way we planned. And WHEN that happens, we begin to attempt to find blame (typically ourselves), or we may begin creating “rules” for ourselves to follow that we believe will lead to a perfect outcome, or we begin talking nastily to ourselves instead practicing self-compassion.
So, in summary, you may see someone always producing what seems like a perfect outcome whether it be a perfect party planner, a perfect body, a perfect mother, or a perfect career but typically, behind that “perfection” that you see is someone stretching themselves beyond what is mentally and physically healthy.
We can make Perfectionism work for us too!
Just so I don’t go down a rabbit hole of how negative it can be to be a perfectionist I want to throw in some acknowledgements of some admirable personality traits comes with being a perfectionist. Most perfectionists are hardworking, care A LOT about what they want to accomplish in life, and they don’t get discouraged easily and they typically accomplish GREAT things!! So, being a perfectionist is not bad it’s just that perfectionists tend to put their mental and physical on the backburner so that they can accomplish their goals. And I want to point out that that is a loaded sentence because mental and physical health is, in my mind, everything!
Now there is good news! If you are a perfectionist there is a way to harness those tendencies and keep your sanity!
Here are some things I must practice so that I can keep my sanity as a mother of two littles and a beginner blogger/entrepreneur:
How to Prevent from Becoming a Burnt- Out Perfectionist
Identify Your Values
According to several psychological frameworks that I love and share information about on my blog, identifying your values is critical to creating a list of behaviors that align with those chosen values.
Let’s change the scenario a bit. Let’s say the same thing…that I value taking good care of my mind and body BUT I DO NOT engage in many behaviors that lead to me “living” what I value. These non-aligning behaviors can include me eating fast food, never managing my anger, binge watching TV until I fall asleep, not exercising at all. This disconnect between what I VALUE and what I DO can lead to feeling like a failure.
When it comes to being a perfectionist you MIGHT engage in some behaviors that LEAD YOU TO not “living” your values.
For example, do you value social events with friends and family? What if your “commitment” to perfection leads to canceling social events because you must get that work project perfect?
Another example, do you value your health? What if your “commitment” to perfection leads to getting only 4 hours of sleep at night because you stay up prepping for a party? (Read more on how critical to health sleep is on my blog post here)
I hope I’m conveying how important it is to “live” your values. When you engage in behaviors that align with what you hold dear in life (your values) then you can rest easy at night knowing you’re doing what’s right for you and your life.
Set Boundaries for Yourself
Just like a toddler we need BOUNDARIES! If our perfectionistic tendencies lead to us pushing ourselves to the MAXIMUM then we could start to feel angry, resentful, exhausted, discouraged. This is why I strongly recommend placing boundaries on your work. Work can include chores, tasks involving taking care of others in ANY way, or work projects.
- Set a time that you will STOP working on something (like no more work after 5:30pm)
- State a duration of time (from 7-8pm) that you will allow certain tasks to take place
- Set a timer (a 10 minute timer for example) that allows you to work on something for only when that timer is running
- Tell yourself that YOU will do these tasks and my SPOUSE will take care of the OTHER tasks
Practice Self-Compassion
Readers, this has saved me. As you can probably already tell I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. I used to be hard on myself when I didn’t accomplish a goal or didn’t know how to do something. I would put off accomplishing a goal because I was afraid of failing. So, I’d be left not chasing my dreams. That’s sad! Along my blogging/entrepreneurial/becoming a mother journey, I’ve learned about how to practice self-compassion (read more on my blog post here). Believe me, after ALL the mountains I’ve had to climb and fall off, practicing self-compassion has been my pad to fall back on.
I learned about how to do this by reading Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
I practice self-compassion by imagining that I’m talking to myself like I would talk to my little ones or how I would talk to a friend. If one of my kiddos made a mistake, I would automatically begin to offer some encouragement to allow for mistakes without judging themselves. I would NOT be judgmental and critical of them.
If one of my friends came to me sad about something they didn’t accomplish, I would begin to offer any comfort that I could and would NOT pass judgement but simply a lend an ear. I would NOT begin to name call and criticize.
To practice self-compassion I practice these behaviors with MYSELF. I didn’t accomplish something? It’s okay! I tried and that is an example of me working towards something I want to accomplish. I ask myself what I learned from “not accomplishing” my goal and how I can move forward. I try not to judge myself or call myself names. Just get back up, give yourself a physical or mental hug and move forward with your head high so that you can try again.
This is easier said than done and I don’t always accomplish it but I just keep trying! That’s all we can really do!
Track your Value-Aligned Behaviors
Now you can take this or leave it! Tracking your behavior is not for everyone! If this IS something that you want to begin doing (creating a new habit) then check out my blog post on how to change your behavior here.
This “tracking of your behavior” can be very easy! It can be a weekly journal entry, a list of values on your whiteboard in your office with a checkmark by them if you stuck to behaviors that align with your values, or a list in your head that you go over when you sit quietly (mediate?) each night before bed.
Tracking your value-aligned behaviors can just be you checking in with yourself, in a way that is easy for you, on a regular basis. Self-reflection is a form of a mental health check-up! It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it is important!
In Conclusion...
I hope this post was helpful in exposing perfectionism for what it can lead to both good and bad! As I said before, people that tend to be perfectionistic about what they do typically care deeply about their projects, and they work hard and aim high! But it can lead to unhealthy behaviors if we don’t check ourselves!
Do you identify as a perfectionist? Might you begin to practice some of the recommendations above to avoid jeopardizing your mental and physical health? Please feel free to leave comments or feedback!
Until Next Time!
Kristi
Written by Kristi McCreight, June 8th, 2023
Well said!